My Mothering Story

I am linking in to my besties blog - it seems like she is the inspiration for my blog posts lately.  Thanks Jen for keeping me posting.

When I graduated high school my friends predicted I would be the first one married.  Since I hate to be predictable I decided I would NOT be the first one married.  So off to college, Georgia and the world I went secretly and not so secretly determined to stay unmarried until I was 25.  I really didn't like children - I am sure I was one of the worlds worst babysitters (all children were returned safe but they ALL went to bed early!)  During my 2nd year at Ricks (3rd year of college - I college hopped like crazy, but that is another post) I was attending a devotional with one of my good guy friends (Hi Troy) and it was on families and looking for your future and I felt impressed that I would have 7 children (laugh now Jenny).

Speed up a few years and I am married to Ken (at 21, and not first by any means) and I get that itch.  You know the one that makes you want a baby.  I was shocked and it took a few months for me to even admit it to myself let alone tell Ken.  We had been married about 18 months went it hit and Ken was starting his last year in school.  I am pretty sure it was a surprise for Ken since I had told him from day one that I did not want to be a stay at home mom and I wanted a career.  I wanted to get my Masters in Economics and teach at a Jr. College or Community College.  I wonder how he decided to marry me since he really wanted me to stay home with our children but we were young and in love, I guess.

So we decided we would stop birth control and go from there - we decided since we had good insurance (the good old days) that either we would have a baby before we left school or we would have to wait until he got a job and the insurance started, but that seemed too long.  Towards the end of November I had missed a period and since we lived in good old Provo, you could drop off a sample to the hospital and they would test it for free.  Success.  We were due the following August.  When I told Ken the color drained out of his face and he was a little weak in the knees but he recovered.  Then we told everyone.  What fun that was.  On Dec 7, 1989, my birthday, I started to bleed really heavily.  As we rushed to the Doctor I kept my legs squeezed together and prayed.  Unfortunately it wasn't enough and I had miscarried.  We decided that maybe it would be better to wait a bit and we went home for Christmas.  Ken's oldest brother and his wife just had their first baby and they were there as well.  It was a hard Christmas.  Sonja and I had the flu for the family picture and it shows.

I was sick the entire Christmas.  After going back to Provo I missed the next period and wondered but chalked it up to the miscarriage, but by February I was flummoxed and went to the Doctor.  Guess what?  I was expecting again.  Ken and I have often wondered when that happened.  I was grieving and then had the flu, not to mention we were staying at his parents house with is little brother Scott who didn't understand a closed door.  Still not sure where she came from!

September 13, 1990 out lovely Brenn came, she was so tiny and so perfect.  When I had to go back to work after six weeks it was hard.  Much harder than I anticipated.  After about a month I quit my job because I couldn't stand it anymore.  I felt like half of me was missing.  The Lord knew what I needed to do and He has a way of humbling you with a loving touch.  That is how I felt.  I was privileged to have this perfect little person depending on me for EVERYTHING!  I felt the tremendous responsibility to teach her what she needed to know and that I would do the teaching.  What a change of heart.  I never would have expected it.  I was not the maternal type, I did not want to be the maternal type, I did not want to bake bread (cinnamon rolls do not count).  But lots of that changed, not everything, but lots of things.

Ken graduated a month later, we moved and started our life in Arizona.  After our new insurance kicked in we discussed when we wanted another child.  No sooner than our discussion I found out I was expecting again.  Brenn was 6 months old.

A few months later Brenn was diagnosed with cancer, hereditary cancer.  Much transpired and all was well.  Dallin was born in 1992 and I struggled with having any more children.  As we had Dallin screened for cancer every few months, along with Brenn, it was stressful.  I knew my chances were good to have another child with cancer and I was worrying.  We attended stake conference (usually with 2 small children I didn't go because ya know but...) the speaker was a preacher from another church.  He spoke about a baby who was born with problems, who the Doctor did not expect to live and would not do anything to save and yet the baby grew in to the speaker.  He spoke about how the Lord sends us here to do His work and it wasn't up to us who could come or what problems we would have.  We just needed to trust in Him.  This speaker (whose church now persecutes the Mormon church in our area) changed my perspective.  I knew it wasn't up to me to choose the problems my children would have, just to help them navigate them.  I knew I would give life to the children I was supposed to bring into my family.

Funny it was just one more.  Logan joined our family in 1995 and I felt like I could deal with more children but I was done having them myself. 

The years 2000-2001 were tough years.  I am glad I didn't have really small children to deal with since I was pretty much comatose with migraines.  After gaining control of that, I kept having dreams of little girls wanting to come to our family.  I am sure I never prayed as hard to understand as I did then.  I knew my health and the medication I was taking would not be good for a fetus.  I was praying for direction.

I was visiting my parents when my sister and my niece Kirsten came and told us Kirsten was pregnant with twin girls.  Kirsten was 16.  I felt like I had been hit with a bolt of lightning.  It felt so right.  I offered to give them a good home.  What followed was one of the hardest times in my life.  I physically yearned for those babies.  Kirsten and my sister waffled back and forth on adoption.  I finally prayed my heart out for Heavenly Father to take the yearning away.  It was destroying my relationship with Kirsten and taking over my life.  This was a lesson I needed to learn.  Heavenly Father cannot make someone choose the right thing.  He gave us free agency.  After lots of babysitting, CPS, and other awful things the twins were taken from Kirsten and given to her Dad and Step mom.  A couple of times it looked like we would be getting these precious girls but it did not happen.  I mourned.  I still babysit (she now has 5 kids) but I have a hard time with the girls because I wanted them to be part of my family.  They will turn 8 in December, I have no idea if they will be baptized and it breaks my heart.  I have to say the Kirsten straightened up and is a better mother than I ever thought she would be and I a proud of how far she has come.

As I look over this really long, boring post I echo Jenny in saying that the Lord knew that my heart would change (so did Ken, I guess).  I wouldn't trade my stay at home status for a career.  When I was younger and went to social functions for Ken's work I was slightly embarrassed to say I didn't work.  As I got a little older I decided to change my perspective and I would say "I get to stay home" and that made a big difference.  I am the biggest influence on my children and that is the way it should be.

As I have gotten older and I was given the opportunity to quit having a period to help my migraines it meant no more children EVER.  I was a little sad, to have that time in my life over.  But I look forward to mothering as a GRANDMOTHER!  I am a little jealous of Jen who gets to go first but I truly look forward to being a Grandma and enjoying those little ones again.